Am I for Real??

Once upon a time, i used to think that i was possible the worst gifted human mankind has ever produced! I could not study well, i could not speak well, every time i tried my hands at any sport people could not help laughing at me, i lacked confidence. Some might say i was lost in the crowd, i would say i was worse.

Then engineering happened, i entered hostel life. First few days, i could only manage to cry and write diary, everything seemed so out of place, everyone seemed so much better than me - even those who not well known or who remained underground. It felt if everyone was rated on a scale of 10 i would get a negative 10 !!!

About 6 months later, the scenario changed - though i am still not sure what brought about this dramatic change. I started feeling as if no-one could compete me. Though i still was a loser in sport and didnt do to well academically. But, still there was this new me, who felt confident in whatever he did, whatever he said. I talked like never before, as if the old me was completely wiped out. I could make someone feel worthless just by talking - yeah yeah, its just to say, trust me i never did that ;-). The amount of self-confidence i had was impressive, sometimes it even lingered on the edge of getting over-confident!!!

But, what surprised me was the fact that 6 months in hostel and i had evolved like never imagined. And with that, came a sense of well being, of doing good, of never hurting someone, of never letting down someone, of never betraying, of honouring trust and of spreading a message that "This world is a beautiful place to live, if only we could make that possible."

3-4 years down the line, i have started feeling as if i am the lone fighter. Sometimes, i wonder why do "BAD people" exists? Dont they feel this strange sensation in their minds when they commit deeds that wont be qualified as civilized? Or, i am the only one who feels bad even if i talk rudely to someone, who feels guilty even after accidently killing an ant, who feels associcated to the emotions of animals who cant express themselves, who feels as if the bad should completely vanish from this world.

Trust me, disorientation of the mind is only the beginning. Once i saw a cow running after a bike. I suppose the pillion on the bike had the calf of that cow. The road had fair amount of traffic but still the cow ran as if nothing exist except for her child. Doesn't matter how hard i try to get that image out of my head, it still lingers on. And with it lingers the thought, are we humans incapable of such love? Those who commit crime - Did they never feel such emotions?

I dont know if the answers to these questions exist. But, from whatever goes through my heart and my mind when i wonder about 'the good and the bad', about the fact that almost everyone commits crime ruthlessly, almost everyone acts unfair or partial at times, almost everyone seems insensitive to such small things! These days i can only ask myself : Am i an emotional fool? Do i really care about everything around me? Why cant i act bad? Do i really exist? AM I FOR REAL????????