! Coward !

Hey all,

I know its been a long time, and yeah i haven't given complete justice to the promise i made while starting this blog..but not even a single day went by when i didn't think about fullfilling my blog promise :(

So much happened in the past couple of months, i don't know how to list them all, but a few things stand out :

1. I got settled in a job with a bpo, and though its not a calling profile, its not even what i am supposed to do after working my ass hard to complete four years of Engineering studies ! However, the money is not an issue that i am facing right now ;-)

2. I had this weird incidence sometime back, that when i think about it, it gives me shivers. Though i am supposed to be a coward as an outcome of that event, i don't regret running away from the situation. I was driving, and then pulled over to drop someone, and the next moment, a strong guy (yeah, i accept, he had a better built than me) on a bike surfaced near my window and asked me to lower the glasses. I did, however, something inside me just stopped me short and i pulled down just enought to let that guy talk to me one on one. Then, he asked me to come out of the car...i brain acted smart enough to not just do that. The next thing i remember is a run-chase sequence that would make a bollywood potboiler a hit. At the next light, the guy managed to get my car blocked and he banged on the car (some dents are still afresh). However, i still appreciate my brain that it worked fine...and the way i maneouvered the roads and drove after that...would remain etched inside my heart forever. But, what happened (don't know for sure, why it happened !) is not what frightens me. I get shivers when i think about what i read in the newspapers about lives ending in road-rage on delhi roads, and about how easily people lose patience. I get terrified when i think about the fact that if my brain had managed to stop working or, my adrenaline would have pumped me enough to get into a tussle with that pyscho, god knows if i would have found my name there in the newspapers the next day :O

3. I am dead stuck in the fight between my ambitions and the current economic recession, i made this list of what i plan to achieve in next 3, 5, 10..and so on, years. I know the plans are big, but i believe in the adage "Shoot for the stars, you will land up in the sky" :D

4. I managed to write a song, all this while ;-)

Set me free, set me flying,

I can't live on, you know i'm dying,

Think of pain as my right,

not that i plan to fight it,

from what i have,

and what i ought to be,

suffering is what i get.

The pain seems an ecstasy,

i don't wanna backout.

I stand by my faith,

searching for a chance.

A chance to live and a chance to try,

coz i want to fly,

dream like i never had,

with her by my side,

i should care less.

Care less for the world so mean,

the life i want, would they ever give?

should i care about them, would i ever live?

The answers i can't find,

know for sure, you are by my side.

Set me free, set me flying,
I can't live on, you know i'm dying,

I'v never been the one!

Heya all,
I know i'v written a lot of crap all this while. So i thought why not try something new. As i sat down to write down this blog with a fresh idea, i thought of writing down a song (yeah, i'v written a number of songs). As soon as the thought struck, my brain started playing with words, deep inside it mess of nerves and whatever it has that makes it think :O

Anywys, coming back to this new idea, i somehow feel as if i can't completely trust my brain for giving me original thoughts. When i write something down on a piece of paper, it keeps hitting me as if i have read something like that earlier. I guess my brain makes a copy of something interesting i read and hide it at the back of its messy jungle of nerves and cells, somewhere deep down in the unconciousness. Always there but never visible. And when i start writing something it rushes down to that area and pull up some part of that hidden text to my concious level making it look original and somehow creating this doubt of putting me into copywrite trouble.
As complex as the world can get.

So now, finally coming back to the song. This song goes out to someone special, someone extremely close to my heart. I am confused whether she would like it or not. So before i play this out on guitar for her, i need your suggestions friend. Here it goes :

I'v never been the one to make you cry,
I'v never found a reason for this strife,
Was it me who's let you down?
Was it love that brought you to ground?

Hey beautiful, why'd you walk out on me?
Leaving me screaming with this pain.
I was meant to be the one for you,
Still you left me with so much disdain.

Whatever happened, I know it hurt you too.
Everything came just out of the blue.
Now that its over for good,
lets start afresh and make our dreams come true.

I would be the one to make you smile.
To wash your tears and live a new life.
I would be the one to make you cry.
Lets hold hands, so together we could fly.

That's about it, i guess. I actually sat down to write down a song. I don't think it would actually qualify as a song. But, whatever, its written with true feelings. Suggest whatever you can :)

bye for now.

Am I for Real??

Once upon a time, i used to think that i was possible the worst gifted human mankind has ever produced! I could not study well, i could not speak well, every time i tried my hands at any sport people could not help laughing at me, i lacked confidence. Some might say i was lost in the crowd, i would say i was worse.

Then engineering happened, i entered hostel life. First few days, i could only manage to cry and write diary, everything seemed so out of place, everyone seemed so much better than me - even those who not well known or who remained underground. It felt if everyone was rated on a scale of 10 i would get a negative 10 !!!

About 6 months later, the scenario changed - though i am still not sure what brought about this dramatic change. I started feeling as if no-one could compete me. Though i still was a loser in sport and didnt do to well academically. But, still there was this new me, who felt confident in whatever he did, whatever he said. I talked like never before, as if the old me was completely wiped out. I could make someone feel worthless just by talking - yeah yeah, its just to say, trust me i never did that ;-). The amount of self-confidence i had was impressive, sometimes it even lingered on the edge of getting over-confident!!!

But, what surprised me was the fact that 6 months in hostel and i had evolved like never imagined. And with that, came a sense of well being, of doing good, of never hurting someone, of never letting down someone, of never betraying, of honouring trust and of spreading a message that "This world is a beautiful place to live, if only we could make that possible."

3-4 years down the line, i have started feeling as if i am the lone fighter. Sometimes, i wonder why do "BAD people" exists? Dont they feel this strange sensation in their minds when they commit deeds that wont be qualified as civilized? Or, i am the only one who feels bad even if i talk rudely to someone, who feels guilty even after accidently killing an ant, who feels associcated to the emotions of animals who cant express themselves, who feels as if the bad should completely vanish from this world.

Trust me, disorientation of the mind is only the beginning. Once i saw a cow running after a bike. I suppose the pillion on the bike had the calf of that cow. The road had fair amount of traffic but still the cow ran as if nothing exist except for her child. Doesn't matter how hard i try to get that image out of my head, it still lingers on. And with it lingers the thought, are we humans incapable of such love? Those who commit crime - Did they never feel such emotions?

I dont know if the answers to these questions exist. But, from whatever goes through my heart and my mind when i wonder about 'the good and the bad', about the fact that almost everyone commits crime ruthlessly, almost everyone acts unfair or partial at times, almost everyone seems insensitive to such small things! These days i can only ask myself : Am i an emotional fool? Do i really care about everything around me? Why cant i act bad? Do i really exist? AM I FOR REAL????????

Troubled times

Trust me i reminded myself time and again that i need to write the blog to keep up my resolution. But alas, things never turn out the way i want them to be!

Had a hard time last fortnight, things seemed ugly to the core. A nice job lured my away from my ongoing job, and the final result being that i got nothing to do these dayz or in better words i am completely "jobless"! With the job went away, my dreams of getting a fossil watch by the end of this month :( and a lot more hopes.

On a personal level too, life seemed to be going on the wrong track. Everything seemed down and out. Then one bright day i woke up with a steely resolve to fight off all the negativity surrounding me and yeah i succeeded. Not exactly in fighting that negativity off, but succeeded in getting used to it ;-). Things dont bother me anymore, i'v become numb.

I was used to being optimistic all the time, but currently, getting a job seems a distant possibility.
And i cant even figure out what i am writing write now. OMG, my thoughts are deserting me now, i am in a deep shit. Cant even read what i'v written.
Better i signoff for now.
bye!

Ghostly Stories

Its been a long time since college got over. So i thot y nt join a call centre - after all 'the power of money' is known to the universe ( in a world whr ppl are killin almst evryone fr money) and earning loads of money jst by talking cn be termd as one of the mst creative thing man has ever done. Atleast no one cn blame this invention as one of the many that are destroying this planet.

Now, coming back to my story. Its been about a week since i joined the call centre. Nd i wud hv been surprised if i wsnt told something spooky about the building i was supposed to work in. After all, every place i hv been till now, has a ghostly story to tell.

First there was this school of ours that was supposedly built on a graveyard. Seemed it was, coz there wr a large no. of footprints that cud b seen while v assembled fr the assembly on the ground almost daily. Though its a different thing altogether that ony when we had gained enuf sense as to differentiate the good frm the bad that we cud identify that those footprints belonged to two huge dogs who wr let loose at nite in the campus.

Then we moved to college, we got to noe that there s this room in the hostel that is haunted...infact the ghost once asked our senior to lower his stereo's volume coz it ws very loud nd ws disturbing the ghost. And wen our senior refused to listen it himself did the honours by reducing the volume. Sure enuf we wud hv thot that our senior had been thru hell....bt there he ws narrating this incident to us...with a smile on his face. The best part ws that after that incident the college authorities refused to nmbr the room with '319' coz that ws supposed to be haunted. Infact, there wr two rooms with '320' as thier nmbr. Funnily enuf wen v moved to that block all the ghosts dissappeared yet again.

Now, in the call center, our training room...or rather the room adjoinin our training room supposedly has this witch with long hairs nd spooky nails. The surprising thing s that only ppl who are sick hv seen that witch..nd i shud appreciate their guts....evn after saying hellos nd welcomes to that witch they still passby that room.

Though its still early to give out jury whether its true or not...i jst hope this time...mayb this one time...i wud meet 'the ghost' that haunts almost every place i go. Otherwise, it wud b too hard to believe wht ppl hav to say ;-)

new beginning

been a long time since i wrote a blog...so thot may b lets start afresh...

so now onwards i promise to b regular with my blog (its a false promise i noe....bt wht the crap...atleast m trying :D)....

lack of time fr now....

bbye!